


I'll Be Good

by arwens_light



Series: Blood on My Hands [6]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Drabbles, Joel has issues, Violence, anger issues, drinking issues, lots of issues, suppressed emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-06-11 05:42:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15308703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arwens_light/pseuds/arwens_light
Summary: Joel has had it rough over the past 20 years. A collection of drabbles exploring bits of Joel's past and how it has shaped his future.





	1. I thought I saw the Devil

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, I have a problem, guys - I can't seem to stop wanting to write for this fandom!! 
> 
> I stole this title from one of my other fics because I really wanted to write drabbles from Joel around this song. If you haven't listened to 'I'll Be Good' by Jaymes Young, please do!! I feel like it absolutely fits Joel on so many different levels.

**I thought I saw the devil  
This morning  
Looking in the mirror**

+++

Joel had never hated himself more. Looking back at his reflection in the dirty mirror, all he wanted to do was put his fist through it. So he did. 

Anything to make this feeling of guilt and shame go away. 

Pain was an excellent distraction in that regard. 

Joel put his fist through the mirror until it had completely shattered. He slumped against the wall, slowly sliding to the floor. He cradled his fist in his other hand for a moment, examining it. 

Blood poured from open cuts and there were several pieces of glass embedded into his skin. His knuckles were raw and red. From the amount of pain, Joel guessed that he had broken his hand, at the very least, it was likely he had busted a knuckle or two. 

Joel let his eyes drift up to the ceiling and his head thumped against the wall in defeat.

He could try to punch his way out of his feelings, but in the end, he was always left alone and empty with his bitterness and guilt. 

He drew in a deep breath as he attempted to clear his head. He should have punch with his non-dominant hand. Now it would be a pain in the ass trying to load one-handed and shoot his gun with his left hand, not to mention any other every day tasks. Ah, well, hindsight. 

Joel returned his gaze to his fist after a moment and sighed. He slowly uncurled his fingers, wincing as dark threads of pain ran up his arm. He flexed his hand, feeling the broken glass shift against his mangled bones. 

He propped his hand against his raised knee and carefully examined the bits of glass protruding from his skin. The large pieces were easy to remove and caused less discomfort as he extracted them. The small pieces were a pain in the ass. 

Joel dug at them the best he could with his fingernails, but in the end, he was certain he had missed a few pieces. He unscrewed his water bottle and clumsily rinsed off the blood. Reaching into his backpack, he fumbled around the contents until he found a spare shirt. He ripped off a few pieces with his teeth and then fashioned a bandage around his battered hand. Not great, but it would have to do for now. 

He would have Tommy patch him up properly when he got back. 

If he made it back.


	2. Drop of Rum on My Tongue

**D _rop of rum on my tongue  
With the warning  
To help me see myself clearer_**

Joel had never had a drinking problem until the world went to hell. Sure, he would have the occasional beer or two and even had a couple of nasty hangovers in his late teens. But nothing puts your life into perspective more than being a parent. 

Huh. And that's another reason to drink. 

Because Joel didn't like to think about how he used to be a parent. He used to have a daughter. He used to... 

He used to be a different person. She would think he was a monster, if she could see him now. Which she couldn't, because she was dead. 

Joel needed another drink. 

Whiskey was his preferred drink of choice, but he wasn't too picky when it can to alcohol. As long as it got him drunk enough to sleep at night. 

In the beginning, Tommy had joined him, the Miller brothers splitting a bottle of liquor between them. But eventually Tommy found a case he believed in and he began to make excuses not to drink - his favorite being that he had a mission in the morning and wanted to have a clear head - which left Joel to finish the bottle on his own. Not that he was complaining. 

But without Tommy, Joel could feel himself start to spiral down into a black hole. 

It left Joel with only his thoughts and memories. His memories were exactly what he was trying to drink away and his thoughts only lead to self-reflection, to expose all of the ugly, cruel things he had done in the name of survival. Joel didn't like what he saw himself becoming. So he drank more. 

If he drank enough, maybe he could finally numb the pain. 

If he drank enough, maybe he could finally chase away all of those memories. 

If he drank enough, maybe he could be free from the heart ache that had crippled him after she had... 

If he drank enough, maybe he could do all of the terrible things he was asked to do. 

But it never worked. 

And in the mornings, Joel would wake, head pounding from the previous night and in the clear light of morning, all of his sins would be laid bare before him. 


	3. My Past has Tasted Bitter

**_My past has tasted bitter  
_ ** **_For years now  
_ ** ****_So I wield an iron fist_

Joel didn't discuss his past. Not with Tess, not with anybody. He had locked up that part of himself and thrown away the key. 

Drinking helped to dull some of the memories, the burn at the back of his throat working to dumb his senses, if only for a little while. Fighting helped as well and Joel knew enough from playing high school football back in Texas that he had experienced several concussions that made recalling much of anything fuzzy for a while after. 

In the beginning, Joel had tried to practice restraint. The whole world had gone to hell and people were just trying their best to survive. Disasters seem to bring out the best - and the worst - of people and more times than not, the worst side always won out. So after a while, Joel had felt his restraint behind and fully embraced his own survival instincts, which told him to look out for himself above all others, no matter the cost. 

Joel had gotten into a fight or two in high school, but had always felt terrible about it afterward. Now, Joel didn't think twice before throwing his fist. After all, it was survival of the fittest and Joel did not intend to get taken advantage of. 

He had become the muscle, the enforcer, for this group or another, and for a time, Tommy was by his side. But after a few years, Tommy joined the Fireflies and things changed. Tommy tried to convince him to join, but Joel could never get on-board and his violent tendencies had lead to the group pushing him out. 

Joel went back to being the muscle, moving from one group to the next as it suited his needs until eventually, he ended up in Boston. How he had ended up so far east from Texas, he'll never know. In Boston, Joel met Tess and in her, he found some purpose. She had the brains and a complex scheme to keep them feed and sheltered, which suited Joel just fine. Tess could take care of herself, but sometimes could use Joel as a re-enforcer. 

Tess optimized Joel's skill set, sending him on meet-ups outside of the Quarantine Zone when she wasn't available to go, or sending him to shake up some low-lifes. Either way, Joel didn't much care. Tess made the plans, and Joel carried them out. 

They built a precarious partnership, consisting of her brains and his fists. Occasionally, they were more than partners, but Joel's bad moods and withdrawn behavior didn't make for the ideal companion, so most of the time, they were colleagues. 

Joel lived those days with bloody knuckles, with whiskey on his breath and a hole in his soul. 


	4. Grace is Just Weakness

**Grace is just weakness  
Or so I've been told  
I've been cold, I've been merciless**

It was just how the world was now. 

Survival of the fittest. Strong over the weak. 

More times than not, that meant that the worst of humanity survived.

This world brought out the worst in people. It brought the worst out in him. 

Sometimes Joel was glad Sarah was dead. At least she didn't have to see the monster he had become. 

Joel had done many, many terrible things in the name of survival. 

Snapped necks and broken bones, strangled, drowned, burned... 

Sometimes Joel was glad Sarah was dead. 

Sometimes. Only in the worst of times. Sometimes he was grateful that she had been spared having to live in his world. Sometimes. 

He had seen what happened to people that kept a moral compass, that had been kind, that had helped strangers. All of them had ended up dead. 

Joel had had to come to terms very quickly with what kind of person he had to be to survive in this hell. 

He hated himself most days. But he was alive. He survived. Not matter what the cost.


	5. But the Blood on My Hands

**_But the blood on my hands  
_ ** **_scares me to death  
_ ** ****_Maybe I'm waking up today_

Joel stared in horror at his bloody hands. What had he become? In this world full of monsters, he was the most terrible. 

A weak gurgled cause him to look down at the body laying at this feet. Glassy eyes stared up at him, tear slowly spilling down her face. 

He couldn't tear his eyes away as he watched the light fade from her eyes. Glassy eyes turned dull and then stared, unseeing. 

His stomach roiled violently and then Joel turned away, retching the contents of his stomach onto the ground. 

He hadn't meant for it to happen. It had been a reflex, a quick strike of his fist and a flash of steel at the unknown creature in the dark. 

And now a girl lay dead at his feet, a gaping wound in her neck which had stopped pulsing out her life's blood only a few short moments ago. 

He could feel Tess beside him, observing him silently. He couldn't look at her, stings of sick hung from his beard, his hands were shaking... his hands, his blood strained hands. Joel started to rub his hands against his jeans, trying to wipe the red from them. 

Tess shifted next to him and he cautioned a glance in her direction. She knelt beside the girl, prodding her gently with a piece of rebar. 

She sighed heavily, muttering, "Fuckin' stupid girl," under her breath. She paused for a moment, study the girl's vacant face before shifting her in order to check her pockets. 

"What are you doing?" Joel hissed. 

Tess shot him a scathing glare. "I'm checking the body, what do you think I'm doing?"

"This isn't right. I shouldn't have -"

"Yeah," Tess snapped, pulling a crumpled snack wrapper from the girl's back pocket. "You shouldn't have lashed out. She's shouldn't have jumped out at us. I shouldn't have, he shouldn't have, blah, blah, blah. The world is full of fuckin' regret, so just stuff it, will you?"

Joel was slightly taken aback. Why should he care that some strange girl had died? He didn't know her. He shouldn't care either way. He wiped the sick away from his lips with the back of his hand and pulled a water bottle from his bag, rinsing his mouth out and spitting into the dirt. 

He glanced back at Tess, who was now rummaging through the girl's small shoulder bag. She pocketed a couple useful items. As Tess rolled the girl onto her back, Joel saw a team logo printed across her shirt. 

It hit him even harder then, and finally it dawned on him why he was so upset. The girl, thin to the point of emaciation, had short blonde hair and now dulled blue eyes. A youth soccer jersey draped loosely over her thin shoulders. She reminded him of Sarah. 

And then she was Sarah. She was Sarah as she lay dying on the floor, blood gurgling in her throat as she desperately tried to gasp for breath, tears streaming down her thin cheeks. Her blood on his hands. And then she was dead and he couldn't save her. 

A knot twisted in his gut. 

Joel leaned heavily against the wall, suddenly feeling out of breath. 

Tess rocked back on her heels, throwing him a look full of concern. "You okay there cowboy?"

Joel shook his head, surprised that he could actual admit it. 

Tess finished pocketing a small bottle of pills before standing. "Alright, big guy, what's got you so worked up?"

Joel shook his head again, unsure if he would be able to express how he was feeling. 

Tess rolled her eyes and sighed. "You killed a girl - so what? You're killed plenty in your time and I'm sure there will be more stupid little cu-"

"Enough." Joel's voice was darkened by anger. He could only see Sarah. All logic and reason fled him in that moment. 

Tess took a step back, her eye brows raised in shock. "Excuse me?!"

"I said enough," Joel grumbled, kneeling beside the girl. He reached out tentatively and pushed her eyelids shut. Aside from the fatal wound to her neck, the girl could have been asleep. 

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Tess demanded, folding her eyes across her chest. 

Joel rose from his crouch and rubbed a blood stained hand over his brow. "I am tired. I'm tired of this life. The running, the hiding, the sneaking around - the killing, the murder. I'm tired, Tess."

She scoffed. "Are you kidding me? Oh, Joel is tired. Poor. Joel. News flash - we're all tired. I've been tired for the last twenty years, but you know what? I put on my big girl panties and I get shit done."

"Do you call me murdering a innocent girl getting shit done?" Joel felt his face flush red hot. 

"She -" Tess glanced at the girl on the ground, "was an unfortunate casualty. But you don't know that she was innocent. Hardly anyone's hands are clean these days."

"But we don't know that. How could we know that?" Joel's mind reeled. 

"Joel. You know better than this. We don't have the luxury of questioning every person we come in contact with their moral turpitude."

"Their moral - what?"

Tess rolled her eyes. "Come on, Joel, you know what I'm saying."

"And I'm saying that I'm tired. I'm done. With all of this."

"You're - I'm sorry, you're done?"

"Tess -"

"Fuck you, Joel. After all we have been through."

"Exactly. After all we have been through, after all of the shit we have done - I'm done."

Tess leaned forward suddenly, causing Joel to stumbled backward. She sniffed at him suspiciously. "Are you - drunk? Have you been drinking?"

Joel glared at her. "No, I haven't been drinking."

"Then I don't understand. All over one dead girl -"

Joel turned on his heels and marched away. 

"What - hey! Where do you think you're going? 

"I'm leaving," Joel replied in a growl, shoving aside a broken board so that he could squeeze out of the crumbling doorway.

"Joel, hey, Joel - wait!" Tess scrambled after him. 

"Leave me alone."

Tess grabbed his arm, attempting to slow him down. "Joel, wait, come on -"

Something inside Joel snapped. He whirled around, teeth barred. "I said leave me alone, Tess! Leave me the fuck alone!"

Tess dropped her hand from his arm, blinking in surprise. 

"But Joel."

But Joel walked away and didn't look back. 


	6. For All of the Light that I Shut Out

**For all of the light that I shut out  
For all of the innocent things that I doubt  
For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears  
For all of the things that I've done all these years  
And all, Yeah, for all of the sparks that I stomped out  
For all of the perfect things that I doubt **

He wasn't a good man. There was no other way around it. Not after what he had done for so many years. 

He wasn't a fair or honest man. He had told too many lies and stacked too many deals in his own favor. 

He wasn't a gentle or kind man either. Aside from a select few individuals that he could count all on one hand, all the physical contact Joel had had with others had been violent in nature. 

Joel didn't take undue risks. He evaluated the situation and then proceeded with the action that would be most beneficial to him. 

And yet, due to some bat shit crazy and unfortunate events, Joel found himself far outside the safety of the Boston QZ with some strange teenage girl who claimed to be immune to the virus that had killed billions around the world. 

While Joel still had his doubt, Tess had believed the girl. Believed in her so much that in her last moments of life, had scarified herself so that they had more of a chance at escaping. 

Joel didn't understand how a person could still have so much faith in a thing, after everything that had happened... 

The girl - Ellie, her name was _Ellie_ \- was asleep in the seat next to him. 

Joel glanced over at her and frowned. How had he ended up here of all places? 

Because Tess had believed in her, he reminded himself. 

Because sometimes a little faith is required. 

Faith to believe that things could be better, should be better. 

Tess had believed it, had believed in this girl. 

Maybe he could try too. 

Maybe.


	7. I'll Be Good

_**I'll be good, I'll be good  
And I'll love the world, like I should** _   
**_All of the times I never could_ ** ~~~~

He had tried to let her go, really he had. On so many different occasions, really. In Boston, in Jackson County, and now in Salt Lake City. 

 

He had tried. Tried to imagine a world where he was strong enough to let her go, to stand back and allow her to sacrifice herself for the fate of humanity. For the cure. 

 

He had meant to let her go.  

 

That's what she had wanted, wasn't it? 

 

He had meant to let her go... 

 

But... 

 

From the moment Marlene had told him how it had to be, how the only way to collect the sample was to cut into Ellie's brain, his mind had been made up. 

 

He couldn't watch as another person he loved died, not while he had something to say about it. 

 

He just couldn't... couldn't stand it. 

 

And she couldn't have known that she would die. How could she? All that talk from Marlene, from the Fireflies. She couldn't have known, surely she wouldn't have followed through with this if she had. 

 

It was selfish, he knew. The world would be a better place with a cure, could get back to normal. Could have a fighting chance at redemption. 

 

And here he was, selfish and ready to sabotage the fate of humanity, all because he couldn't stomach the death of a 15 year old girl. A girl who was so self-less and had accepted her fate, had embraced her place, had walk across the country to give this gift for the betterment of mankind. 

 

He should have been able to let her go. 

 

All he could imagine was Sarah. Sarah, her small body broken and bloody. Sarah, 20 years long gone, a ghost that haunted his dreams and plagued his memories. 

 

But Ellie... 

 

She was equally less than and more than a daughter to him in so many ways. In so many ways, that he could not explain and couldn't fully understand himself, she was just so much more.  

And because of that, in spite of that, Joel just couldn't let Ellie go. 

 

Joel couldn't let Ellie's blood be on his hands, so he bloodied them to save her. 

 

He couldn't save the world, but he could save her. 

 

Against all logic, against all reasoning, against everything that Joel knew to be true, he discarded it all as he stuck the gun into the soft belly of the nameless Firefly solider and pulled the trigger. 


End file.
